I dont often discuss it but I was married to a narcissist, and because of my childhood I have grown up able to recognise abusive relationships, in fact I can spot an abusive reflexc a mile off and name most of them. Narcissistic abuse is where the narcissist sees you as an object in his identity and as you remind him that is not you and that is false, he will attack. He will accuse you of his own behaviour because he cant see you, only his own identitya nd the threat to it you pose by existing as a human being with your own identity. You get the blame for his behaviour, and he cant see the impact. Many women know how to recognise abuse, instinctively we have to. If womanhood is anything beyond biology, it is that. The instinctive ability to risk assess cos noone will protect you.
Trans activism online, through the prism of media is violent narcissistic misogyny. It is abusive fetishists, violent misogynists, concentrating only on attacking women, abusing women and trying to erode women’s rights, and women recognise it. It is media cultures forcing women to say things that are not true with the threat of abuse and pushing for the removal of sex based protections and measures to protect us from violence. Women recognise this. Women have to. I cant pretend that isn’t the case. I can’t pretend that trans activism online is not purely about threatening, abusing, and attacking women’s rights. It is. I can’t pretend that the thousands of of violent disturbed individuals using their twitter accounts to say ‘I am a woman’ are women because they are not. Women do not abuse lesbians for not being attracted to cock, women do not fight to have women coerced into sex, women don’t want other women forced to associate with them, they do not seek to coerce, invade spaces, and demand that women accept abuse and intimidation to validate their identity. Women do not need other women to validate their identity and do not engage in violent misogyny or see other women as a threat to their very existence. That’s masculinity in the raw. Here is the problem. Nor do most trans women. No woman has ever lived a life where they could expect other people’s identity to centre them, the struggle to own your own identity instead of wife, mother, has never been won.
Women are now being pushed. Women who want to support trans women, women who KNOW trans women living and taking the shit daily as women are women, even if they are not female. But then the trans women we know aren’t asking that we subsume who we are, our identity, our rights and abusing us and threatening us with violence. Trans women offline are not demanding that we tell our children they can take on medical treatments they know are lifelong like they are nothing, to address distress, and trans women are not demanding that our children become objects in their identity. They are not demanding that we open ourselves to abuse and violence to make them feel better. Women don’t mix with people who are a risk to their children, we are duty bound not to, and the law is enforced when we do, and the family courts know when we are projecting our identity onto children and harming them. Family courts are used to dealing with narcissistic abuse and recognise it because women are expected to know and be able to do this. It does not hurt us when women discuss the oppression tyhey live and nor does it harm us when women discuss their biology and the way it shapes their lives, just as it does not threaten us to hear about the way in which trans women transition and are made women. If you think that denial of right to sex, a woman saying you are not the centre of my identity, is the most violent thing you have ever experienced you are a man.
Women who support trans women are being pushed into a corner. We are being told by deranged online activists who are not trans women, but have realised they can use twitter to attack womens rights that our children are fair game, that we should ignore child abuse when it is a trans charity like Mermaids castigated by a High Court judge for child abuse. We are being told that violent misogyny, people fantasising about rape and murder, and people who will clearly state they want to hurt us are to be treated as women. We can’t do that. We are not allowed to do that. Equality legislation for women is barely recognition that equality is contested and is supplemented by systems which protect us from violence and demand we protect our children. Equality legislation can impact how we are treated but does not impact our perception. Trans activists online are telling us that their rights demand that our perception is now covered by law. It is not.
They are demanding that we pretend gender inequality which leaves trans women at risk of violence, poverty, unemployment does not exist and it is the fault of women and we are being told we are responsible for violence agianst trans women which is all committed by men. We are told that if we cannot validate someones identity that is an act of violence which merits a violent response. Womens words have always been treated as violence, with an actual violent response becoming necessary if we cease to be objects in someones identity. We are being told online that behaviour patterns which in a relationship would indicate you and your children are in danger are feminism and it is this that is the biggest threat to the progress trans women have made. It is this that means that the tarns women we know who are women, who are made women by being treated like shit in a society which hates women, will be thrown under a bus.
Media outlets like the Guardian and New Statesman, and the elite left want their own violent misogyny validated and are trying to present it as rights for trans women, and women all over the country are bridling and saying actually this is crazy. Women who reject abusive narcissistic abuse are being told that rejection of this is rejection of trans women. No. Women rejecting this and refusing to conflate this with the needs of trans women suffering deep inequality are standing with trans women. It is this violent misogyny that is at the root of the backlash that will undo ALL the gains trans women have made in the last decades.
Even if privileged young women who hae never experienced violence and abuse will fall into patterns of narcissistic abuse a considerable proportion of women who have had to escape abuse, survive abuse and control CANNOT accept this and instinctively recognise it. The key difference between men and women beyond biology is violence and poewr and women recognise these dynamics instinctively. The chucking of trans women under a bus and conflation of trans rights with child abuse, narcissistic abuse and stripping away of womens rights is throwing trans women under a bus. It is forcing teh hand of women and forcing an objection which is entirely being felt by the wrong people. I will not be part of throwing trans women under a bus but I will not accept narcissistic abuse dressed up as feminism either. Something has to give soon. This toxicity is harming real people, people who just want to live their lives. It is damaging friendships, it is damaging any chance of trans women having rights in teh future and it is damaging womens rights now. THere needs to be more light and less heat but taht is looking increasingly unlikely as everything has to go through the prism of misogynists like the left media and guardian.
A bomb is ticking with children, youtube videos glossing over how harmful plastic surgery and hormone treatments are, are telling children they can end puberty, have cosmentic surgery and their distress will be eased, the children at the centre of this with popular youtube videos are being given validation that this is ok. Parents are bridling and worried and should be, because their responsibilities are clear. I don;t know where this goes. Its getting more toxic by the day. I will not be part of throwing trans women under a bus, but that does not mean I can accept the violent narcissistic misogyny and narcissistic rage trans activism presents as valid. It is not. THis is pushing women into a corner where they have to say violent narcissistic misogyny which harms them is not acceptable and are being told when they do so it is transphobia. Directly we are being forced to throw trans women under a bus. I will not be part of throwing trans women under a bus but I will not accept what is going on online as anything but narcissistic abuse. I wouldn’t accept it off a prospective partner, I would not accept it near my child, I will not call it feminism or conflate it with rights of women I know are suffering inequality which is very similar to that that I live.