In 2005 I placed a girl at a mother and baby home. I never meant to. The name came up in a list of prospective placemenbts and I recognised it. I should never have gone, it was poor practice beyond belief. I wanted to see it. I arrived and the manager showed me around, and it was lovely. It was a really warm and supportive environment and everything said so, but my face was like stone. The manager knew something was wrong and suggested we go to her office, and I said I was sorry I had come, and that my mother had been placed there with me in 1978.  I said I wanted to see the place and while the case was real, I should never have come and I apologised and suggested she contact my manager and undestood why she would. She looked at me and her face canged, and she apoligised to me and my mother and said it was not only the name that had changed. That I must know as a social worker how much things had changed. There was no hesitation because what will be revealed in the child abuse enquirey we already knew. This learning was not done because policy makers asked for it, this was done because policy makers were told this was how we do things now.  We developed a multi dimensional understanding of inequality in the systems that had to learn these lessons. THAT is what Kimberle Crenshaw was disxcussing with intersectionality. Ironic that as her name becomes known activism subordinated te attempted destruction of those systems and the obliteration of that learning from our political economy. That learning cannot be undone. That history cannot be erased. It is reflected oin the evolution of the rule of law and the state acknowledges this is done and continues to do it.  You cant undo this even accidentally without generating political rcisis.


So I wanted a note here about maths. I wasn’t terrible at maths at school, I was always top set and top of that set, but I didn’t like it and I didn’t like that I had to work at it. I never had to work at things and largelyu stuck to the things I found easy, and because there were quite a few of those thoings it didn’t matter. So I failed quantitative analysis last year, by one mark., I had to resit it and when I resat it I had to get to grips with the deficiencuies of my maths education. I sat and worked out the formulas, broke them down, and then repeatedly did them. Over and over and over. I spent 6 hours one day doing repeated chi square tests by hand with dummy data, until I could do the formula with muscle memory and as I did this the smoke cleared. So one of the most exciting things to come from the last couple of years came from failure, and it is a growing understanding of the beauty of the way maths allows you to think. Am quite excited about this and I wanted to write about it for my futyre self. I am applying for jobs that allow me to develop this, am not exactly top of the pile as I only have quant to show that i can do this, so I have to sit exams just to get interview. Am a masochist but am quite excited. If I can get one of these jobs, and I can dio my A level maths next year, I reckon I could get to first year undergraduate level within two years by the time I apply to Paris. So that;s my new thing. My new plan.

I know when to say am beat. There is no potential for change in the media and politics nexus on twitter. None. They are spinning out in narcissistic reflex to protect identity, taking the country over a cliff. Only the crisis they generate will stop them, or external intervention, or internal trouble. Electorate are keeping things steady, and no mandate has been given to these extremist posutions but media culture dsying on twitter still want to be in charge and we just have to wait. We can’t impact the crisis they are creating, they wouldnt even let us point out austerity wasn;t deliverable. Largely because they didn’t know. I think we just have to put our set belts on and get through and hope to come out the other side. Am going to focus on maths and accept there was never a possibility of these people ever supporting a challenge to this. That  what i learned from these people was valuable, but that they were never going to do what they said. It smarts when I think of how much risk they created for me, how much harm, and what they did to silence me, but I acccept that they did me a service allowing me to see that in the final years of this. I dont know what the world looks like next year. I know the relationship between looked after child and state is about to evolve, I know thaht welfare crisis and other social poluicy crisis will largely result in redefinition of those systems.But there is nothing to be done to mitigate the crisis that demonstrates to politicians and policty makers what these systems always did, and nothing to mitigate the instability generated while extreme tribalism paralyses our democracy from a chatroom and  a square mile of London.

Life carries on,,

Because this blog was just my reflecyins on my life, have always tried to make sure that when I write to my future self I include the mundanem the day to day, the way life just carries on. Life can be pretty good, even in the worst conditions so this is always pretty easy. I live in a nice place. But the people I know are nce and they didnt do anything to deserve what was done to them, they didnt deserve to be told the rule of law never applied really…they didn’t do anything. There is no benefit in them being punished in this way but the bureaucracies now doing it are so far beyond the control of anyone as they falll apart that noone can even take responsibility for this. They have every riught to feel that war is being waged on them and its deliberate. And I wish I could know it was deliberate, because the reality is this is happening because a mediating class emerged who thought their job was to decde who paid with life or death and this made them good. I went to see my friend. He has been terrorised over the last few years. He cant work because of an industrial inuury and he cant sit still. I went round and realised the heating had been put on for e  coming. That the rest of the time there is no heating. Its minus 10. I pretend not to notice the lack of food in his cupboards and pretend not to think about how much the gas meter is swallowing and this winter I dont want to include the mundane and the day to day. Because I think this winter will include funerals. And what have learned is that those people will never even be allowed to have the reason they dided discussed. Becauise our self appointed mediuating class decided thosefunerals should happen and we should ne ver be allowed to discuss the consensus that drove this even as it shifted. Even as consensus shifted, they wanted that power and now they will show how far they will go to make sure that the rule of law never app;ies to us. My transcript arrived. I have a golden ticket, the jobs I am applying for are thirty, forty grand a year. I get to be part of this mediating class. I will never ever ever pretend to be that. I will nev er ever associate myself with these people and I will never ever forget the way they stood on peoples throats and made sure this went undiscussed for their own gain. I have a feeling there will be funerals by the end of the winter and I will have to attend and then I will have to process my anger. I dont know how to do that long term.

What does it take?

How, when we are at the 10s of thousands of dead people, a child protection system that is patently NOT functioning, are we still at the point where we are begging rich people to stop identifying as our representation so they will styop actively preventing us from discussing it? What is it actually gpionhg to take with these people? What is wrong with them? What is wrong in their minds that they cannot even look at this, at this many people dead, and they woudl still quite happily abuse the relatives of those people for discussing the consensus on the policy that did it hat is wrong with them?

Two man babies go to war

I havent watched the news. I had to stop because of Princess Meghan fever. Apparently I missed the fat man baby in charge of North Korea and the fat man baby in charge of the USA chucking bombs about and threatening each other and us.  Sometimes its best not to watch the news.

History doesn’t repeat but it rhymes eh? Am watching Marco Polo and pretending its the 13th century and everyone is good looking.

Methodology to count the dead: Zoe Williams

You wont be aware of this Zeo but there are people right now trying to fiugure out how to count the number of dead people, the people who died as a consequence of austerity. The people your newspaper would never allow to challenge it. The people killed while your friends worked tiorelessly to prevent discussion of political consensus. You wrote the Tories won’t even accept poverty exists, well Zoe from you am not surprised. You cant even hear people beg you to stop placing a Labour rosette on the dead, when a perfect consensus on welfare and local authority reform has existed for decades. Why should they be willing to acknowledge poverty if you can’t do that? Objective reality and a sense of decency don’t seem to spur you into respecting the dead. Anyway, not that this will bother you but we atre trying to figure out how many people were killed by policy subject to absolute consensus. People who were covered by equality legislation, people with duties to cildren. People whose citzienship was never being the poor auditioning for your attentio abnd who didnt know they only  had the right to live if the GUardian felt they were deserving of pity. You have been asked politely, you have been asked in private. Can you stop using the people directly harmed by your culture to decorate your identity. Its beyond the joke. I have no problem talking to Tories about poverty, my problem appears to be when I interrrupt the self image of the callous and rich who identify as our representation and don’t think we should get a say.,

Reflections on crisis

I have a masters degree that tells me everything the state taught me about inequality it taught me so that those in charge didnt have to know. That was my function,. They react badly to finding out policy links to reality and that has driven the hate campaign I have seen, not deliberate actions or malice. Its a symptom. Am sat in bed, heating is not on, the news for the last hour has been incredible when you consider the situation the country is in. Prince Harry is getting married and all focus is on that. Stress tests showed that our banks are three times stronger than they were in 2007..the sources of instability we have show that as not enough however the news is playing it.

THe crisis caused because our mediating class were not aware of the basic rule of law, the functions that I carrried iout is in full swing and opening up around me and it has get big big. I am facing another skint christmas and trying to make that work, at least I know this will be my last. Others dont. Because it wont. It’s hard to sum up the feelings of anger, and frustration, and put that in the context of knowing exaclyt what is unfolding and that it could have been prevented. I am not a happy bunny today.  Not at all.

Each age is a dream that is dying…

We are the music-makers,
And we are the dreamers of dreams,
Wandering by lone sea-breakers,
And sitting by desolate streams.
World-losers and world-forsakers,
Upon whom the pale moon gleams;
Yet we are the movers and shakers,
Of the world forever, it seems.

With wonderful deathless ditties
We build up the world’s great cities,
And out of a fabulous story
We fashion an empire’s glory:
One man with a dream, at pleasure,
Shall go forth and conquer a crown;
And three with a new song’s measure
Can trample an empire down.

We, in the ages lying
In the buried past of the earth,
Built Nineveh with our sighing,
And Babel itself with our mirth;
And o’erthrew them with prophesying
To the old of the new world’s worth;
For each age is a dream that is dying,
Or one that is coming to birth.

Twitter- again

In 2010 the Equality Act said that equality duties applied to public sector institutions, every aspect of our institutional framework except welfare policy reflected that. In 2010 I encountered the class of people who didnt know this and because I said I would not view them as my representatives I have been hounded, put at risk, my daughter put at risk. I cant even have a twitter account because these people cannot functionin a world, even online, where people will not respect their false identity as our rightful representatives.

Because these people cannot function in a world where we will not pretend, I have lost a network of people who allowed me to do good things. Does the crisis in our benefits, social care and child protection system go away if I do? No.

People who I worked with to understand welfare reform, people who have knowledge and skills I dont have, or have access to. People I talked to and respected. I can’t talk to the friends I have made, and importantly the people I describe above get to maintain their bubble where they try to undermine democracy with a chatroom without me interrupting their delusions. A bunch of hyper privileged Oxbridge brats and journalists ‘identify’ as my representation I have to be subjected to continuous abuse and threats and so does my daughter and I have to be hounded out of the public sphere. I am angry about this and the implications. I should never have let twitter be the basis of that network and should have understood it was fragile and these people would hound me till it was gone. That they have taken my ability to do that work, they have taken those networks, because they were stunned that a  British woman in 2010 woudl believe she lived in a modern democracy, was able to speak, and choose her own representation is astonishing. The abuse and violence that defines these people is astonishing.

Twitter didn’t silence me, these people did. And you have to ask what they have achieved? Has the law changed? Is the rule of law that existed in 2010 and still exists now different? No. These people just have to mix with those they exploit and demand that their self image is protected and no matter how mauch harm, how many people die through the resulting policy, no matter how much the digital revolution makes their world permeable they will not give up that power. I want it here for the future that what happened in 2010-2017 was not the mean old Tories. It was a mediating class in crisis who were not aware of the evolution in citizenshp and would rather destroy the country than ever allow us democratic representation.