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Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher’s shop we very impress by George Osborne. And not just because of his bad boy sex appeal. (Like James Franco. With Gladstone bag. And spreadsheet. And Rowan Atkinson’s face.) No. We marvel at quality of his economic insight.

Some Osborne supporters worry at shrinkage of UK economy. Monetary Policy Committee freeze interest rates. Grant Shapps want inspire young people into work, saying if he can do it, so can anyone (even if so binge-drink lobotomised they lack elementary systems of language and reason). Vince Cable has try raise money for business by sell his soul, though spokesperson for JMB (Joint Mephistophelean Bank) say price depressed by Lib Dem soul surplus and Simon Hughes attempts to sell, buy back, then sell again. (“We’re not a pawnshop,” sniff Collateralised Death Obligations expert, Mr BL Zabub.) And Eric Pickles seek foster pie-consumption boom, Tennents Export-led recovery, and, in drive to reduce energy costs, has been farming his own wind.

But they not understand Osborne wisdom. George heed Good Book. “If eye is make offendings at you, then it is rip out already” as translation of King James Bible into Russian and then back into English say. George understand best way get rid economic problems is eradicate economy. He know massive cutting of public expenditure, civil service layoffs and rise in VAT will complete work done by banks and reduce whole of Britain to Stone Age conditions, currently only preserved in heritage communities of North East. George complain publicly about impact of snow on economy, but really he delighted and pray for more blizzards. Russian Interior Ministry say UK Treasury is buying thousands of hectares of Siberian tundra to relocate to Britain and transform ecosystem. Siberian earth will be kept frozen by look Sayeeda Warsi give “Question Time” audience.

And what is purpose of all this enlightened destruction? Policy induce further decline in value of sterling, to encourage foreign investment. China will buy rump of UK car industry. My country will continue acquiring BP. India will complete its monopoly of all UK IT and telecoms. And this help everyone. As China becomes most successful economy in world, and India and Russia also grow in power, competitive advantage of lower wages in their economies will fade. But they and other countries will want to offshore many activities to cheap labour destinations. So instead of using Africa or Brazil, everyone will employ workers in Palaeolithic post-Osborne economy of UK.

And Australian News Corporation, through UK-based outlet News International, show the way. Now all relevant ownership decisions are made by complete and utter Jeremy, News Corp easily fulfil ambition to buy all of UK media. News Corp already got Stone Age values Stone Age economy need. But now we see they move with times. Take Andy Gray. He paradigm for Cro Magnon worldview essential for new/ancient Britain and News Corp jobs – Sun journalist, football pundit, future Government Communications Director. But shocking revelations of how much he paid, inconsistent with inflation-based policy goal of eroding UK living standards, made sacking inevitable. His departure signal end of old-fashioned football punditry model of pay massively disproportionate to worth, and prepare for News Corp exploitation of alignment of low quality and low pay in new Osborne miracle economy. As News Corp empire expand, it need armies of ill-informed, boorish and bigoted men. Their shock at receiving wages lower than those of Mumbai call-centre will be offset by massive job satisfaction of writing, saying, and broadcasting any old crap that go through their heads. And women will have many job opportunities too, especially in sport, where there will be adverts for Office Talent, “hands on” Personal Assistants, and those able to “front up cup coverage”. Melanie Phillips will be in charge of diversity, while ambitious young ladies will be needed for Sky’s new 24 hour naked football coverage, Sky Sports Nudes.

Britain, which led Industrial Revolution, only to give way to Germany, America and now China, will again become workshop of the world. Through gradual enrichment of benign and grateful overseas investors, it will steadily build up its power. Britain will again become dominant global economic force, in about 350 years, when a grateful people will erect statues to visionary Osborne, who, with his Little Red Budget Book, ensured many flowers would come to bloom by laying waste the earth.

One thought on “Brilliant.

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