I intended to write a scathing blog post about ‘The Tweenies Live’. It was going to talk about how I was fleeced by the heavily pushed, overpriced merchandise. IT may have touched on the irritating way they have changed the songs(Miss Polly had a dolly omits the phrase about the doctors bill, to reflect the provision of the NHS), I was possibly going to talk about how irritating Fizz is.I find I can’t do this. Mainly because when The Tweenies came on stage, Rachel was so delighted, that I cried. And partly because I have just put her to bed, and she is still singing ‘If you’re happy and you know it’ to her new Bella doll. Even if the tickets were extortionate, they were worth every penny. THats what you pay your money for.
If my blog entrys take about 10 minutes a piece, how long do you think Amanda Platell takes? I suppose, no research, no thought…should be a doddle. I totally want her job.NOt as much as I wish I was a lesbian, disabled, an immigrant, as well as being as single parent…just to piss her off.
Where to start with Amanda Platell? We could go into the realm of personal insults, but I am better than she.We have another of her ‘contributions‘ to journalism, on the Daily Mail website today. She is worried about a ‘boom in childbirth rates amongst immigrant teenage mothers on benefits- so good of her to be concerned about this, as noone else seems to have noticed it happening.She starts by making a generalisation about ‘soaring immigration'(never mind the fact that immigration has fallen dramatically-we dont expect Ms.Platell to check her facts…its not like she is a journalist or anything), and we jump straight into a reference to a migrant baby boom. Again, no source, no reference- and then we see her expression of sadness that this baby boom is not from the ‘indigenous middle-class, hard-working, tax-paying population’- wow, an ethnic group I have never heard of… yet again… no stats to back up her assertion that our population is suffering a boom of these immigrants dropping kids all over the shop. Am not sure, whether as someone who is not a british national, she is expressing self loathing here, or just more misguided racist bollocks.Then we jump straight to another assertion- these migrants dropping babies all over the shop are single. Wow, this is a coup for the Daily Mail- we have managed to get in immigration, single mothers, AND the discrimination faced by this marginalised ethnic group- the hard working INDIGENOUS daily mail readers! Hurrah!Her key reference is a misrepresented, or wrongly understood statistic by the National Office of Statistics, about an decrease in age of first time mothers. .(yet another issue the Mail usually feels strongly about…these selfish bitch older mothers/childless women delaying their natural purpose till their ovaries have committed genocide on their eggs).Apparently, the National Office of Statistics explanation, based entirely on their figures that actually many women are now putting babies over their careers(surely a cause for celebration to you and your colleagues…?)- is rubbish- because she knows noone who this applies to.Well Amanda-if noone you know is doing this- then clearly the Office of National Statistics is wrong. They are probably skewing the numbers they collect, as part of a left wing conspiracy for immigrant lesbian single mothers to take over the world. Or maybe she is just getting on a bit, and her peers would have been included in statistics 20 years ago, if they were to count as ‘young’?Apparently- the ONLY possible reason for this- is that its teenagers who are doing this. Well clearly that premise isnt flawed at all. The Office of National Statistics never once mention that these younger women are either teenagers, or single.She launches into a bit of bile about how these teenagers are unmarried and dont have the fathers of these children around. Never mind that the statistics a) dont actually say a thing about teenagers b) there is nothing in these statistics that implies they are single c) the overwhelming majority of single parents who claim either benefits or tax credits actually brought children into familys headed by a couple d) the majority of single parents do work, (with the percentage increasing, as the age of the child goes up, and by the time you get to secondary school age, nearly ALL will work, or have worked at some point e)in the cases where the father isnt around- its statistically more likely to be the man who left, leaving someone else to care for the child- but fuck it. Who needs the facts to get in the way of a bit of hate mongering.She asks how many live on benefits, and I am sure I could help her here. While her journalistic training might have been lacking in this area, I can helpfully tell her that these figures are published yearly, by the Department of Work and Pensions, and the Inland Revenue! THey show nothing like her claim about teenage immigrant mothers… so logic dictates that she is either a shit journalist who cant do research, or a woman who doesnt want the facts to get in the way of the hateful shit she is spreading.You will have to bear with me a second= cos am just trying to get my head round where her article skipped from an ill informed rant about immigration, to her statement that Labour has made single motherhood a legitimate occupation… as far as I was aware-motherhood was not an occupation you got into by yourself- you generally do need a bit of sperm to help- which definitely has to come from a man, and statistically speaking, the ‘choice’ to be a single mother, is less likely to have been made by the mother, and a damn sight more likely to have been made by the father leaving…. I recall an interview with one of the Fathers 4 Justice campaigners, on the back of the situation where David Blunkett was involved in a paternity scare- where she sat and told the campaigner that fatherhood was not as important as motherhood, and fathers were replacable, with biological imperitive meaning little.So if this woman doesnt value fatherhood, and doesnt value motherhood- then how precisely would she like the children of the country to be raised?? And if being single is not legitimate, what precisely are women with children to do when left by their partners- sell, abandon, or kill their children?She asks ‘how many immigrant mums have contributed anything to this country before landing us with another child to educate in our already struggling schools?’- sorry do you mean the immigrant single mums you just invented for the purpose of this article Amanda?Then links it to the dubious statistic that one in four mothers is born from overseas. Again a statistic she fails to reference. I am unsure how she links this into the premise of her argument- unless she is stating that ALL of those mothers are single mothers on benefits- which surprises me as it is a) it is demonstrably false, and b) she is er…an immigrant. Have you declared your writing to the social Ms.Platell?Or is it just the brown ones we need to worry about- not the Australians.She then links these fictional mothers into the failing school system- and blames them for the problems faced by teachers across London. Many of whom are er….single mothers, often jonny foreigner single mothers.Apparently she is concerned that the very core of Britishness is threatened. Well Miss Platell, as an Australian, you may not understand, but the brand of British you espouse isnt britishness, its racism, its homophobia, and its mysogyny. Not something I want preserved thank you very much. How dare you insult my country, by stating that those are our national characteristics. The only immigrant I can see damaging the perception of Britishness is you.I am very concerned about it, but political correctness means every time someone tackles racist, mysogynistic, misandrist, homophobic views like yours, the person expressing them, starts whining that they are the indigenous white middle class hardworking taxpaying population and they are being abused and marginalised. Nothing like a ‘minority’ whinging about discrimination without foundation. Its political correctness gawn mad I say!She ends her little piece with a question about why we need immigration to keep Britain booming- comparing it to the 5 million brits who have never worked. Well Amanda, you might want to check your statistics, but the majority of these people are er…white, british, and in households headed by two parents…and I dont think immigration, or single parents, are the reason they have never worked. I dont think they are somehow going to get off their arses, if Daily Mail gets its way, and rounds up all the single parents, and immigrants-and blows them to smithereens.She cites the the total for ALL benefits paid, including all tax credits(paid to families, disabled people, pensioners) who work, all disability benefits, all state pensions, child benefit as the cost of unemployment benefits to the hardworking taxpayer(many of whom receive the benefits they are supposed to be
gry about).She cites 100billion as being the cost of housing benefit in the UK- yet ignores the fact that a high proportion of this is paid in the South East to familes(both single parent and two parent) who DO work, because rents have inflated to the point, where unless you are bringing home 2k a month, you cant actually afford to pay your rent in this region. THis inflation wasnt caused by immigration, or by any of the other groups she cares to blame- she may need to do some reading on the reasons behind the property bubble. I can recommend a couple of very interesting economists, and economic historians- who can enlighten her.She then launches into an attack on some X Factor contestant, about whom she knows nothing- because she dared to say she liked being a single mum. She describes a woman, who she knows nothing about, who has supported her child since she was 17- as selfish, and even though this particular single mother actually lives in her extended family, and not in some council house on a sink estate. The only objectionable thing I can see that has brought about this level of ire, is that she is single- has every relationship you have ever had worked out Ms.Platell? Or is the ending of a relationship only a heinous crime if there is a child involved?Just so we are clear Ms.Platell- I LOVE being a single mother. Compared to being in a marriage where two people are destroying each other, in full view of their child- its a bloody godsend. I wrote about it earlier in this blog.Am sorry if this response to her article is rambling- its just hard to follow the incoherency of a journalist trying desperately to link several false premises, to create a coherent argument to support her prejudices.I, like Amanda, worry about people who contribute nothing but poison to British Society, and for that reason- I wish she would stop writing. At least until she has done a course in er…journalism.
If someone asks me tomorrow, what the last gig I went to was(a very good question, the answer to which says a great deal about who a person is)- I will have to answer- The Tweenies Live. Is there any chance they will be selling tranquilisers to parents on their way in?
Further to our post about the sexual dynamics in Balamory, the following important campaign has come to our attention. While I had previously viewed Josie Jumps replacement as sinister- I know there is more to it. We must act.
As with any microcosm of society, Balamory is a hotbed of sexual tensions, but as I sit here and watch Josie Jump tell Archie to ‘relax’ and ‘go with the flow’-while engineering a pillow fight, which is clearly an attempt to tempt him into physical contact, I am compelled to offer my analysis of the situation.The primary character of Miss Hooley, is the kingpin in this seedy underbelly of simmering sexual tension. Her popularity shown by the fact that people come to visit her each day for a cup of tea, and help, regardless of the fact that she is the sole carer for what appears to be 12-13 children of pre-school age(Someone really needs to call Ofsted).In her sensible clothing and shoes, with her trim neat hair- Miss Hooley appears to be a woman for whom sexual tension is an irrelevance. Look closer.It has been proposed that PC Plum has a hankering for Miss Hooley. Indeed he seems keener to visit her, than to visit Penny Sweet at the local shop/cafe, even though Penny is clearly is more than a little in love with him(evidenced by her nickname ‘Plummy’ for him, and her concern when he was in Paris, and hadnt visited). I am afraid that Penny Sweet is on to a loser. If you watch closely, at Plums introduction songs- he is clearly trying to indicate his homosexuality- from his pastiche of Queen, in his big numbers, to the casual indifference he appears to treat people of the opposite sex with. PC Plum clearly believes Miss Hooley to be asexual, and his constant visits to her, are more of a desire to have his homosexuality hidden- than any real desire for our repressed heroine.The common misconception is that Archie is gay. Given his pink house, and complete indifference to all members of the female population- I think this is lazy stereotyping. Archie may be a clear example of why inherited wealth is a bad thing- and the way a culture of entitlement will hamper the common sense and entrpreneurial instinct needed to make his way in the world. His continued insistence that his shit inventions- time machines made of boxes, and glasses cases made of yoghurt pots, are worthwhile- needs to be tackled by someone- but his position as laird of the castle, and the wealthiest man in Balamory- mean that his position will remain unchallenged. Archie is not gay, he is a sexual inadequate, without the social skills or the sexual desire to make a move on any woman in the village. (Even though again, Penny Sweet- mercenary minx she is, has spotted his potential, as wealthy husband, and flirts shamelessly with him at every opportunity- with a view to perpetuating her failing cafe and sweet shop, and getingt out of her partnership, with her mentally challenged sister and business partner). Archie sees Miss Hooley as a suitable bride his mother would approve of, but has not the social understanding, or the sexual prowess to factor any kind of relationship into the bargain.Edie McCredie is very straightforward- there is no doubt that she is a lesbian- it is not easy in such a small scottish community to express your sexuality with confidence- and so she alludes to her sexual orientation by insisting on fixing the bus she drives, and dressing as a man in any given production that the Balamory put on. I have to say, that if one was in need of a man, while in Balamory- Edie would be a safer bet that any of the eligible bachelors on offer. Edie and Miss Hooley did have that one drunken night, after the BAlamory pantomime- but this minor exploration of her sapphic tendencies was as far as Miss Hooley wanted to go.People often discuss the couplings in Balamory, stating that Josie Jump and Spencer are clearly together. Again, this is lazy stereotyping, verging on racism- with the key factor in peoples reasoning being that Spencer and Josie are both black, both live in houses that are variations of yellow. Well if you watch, Josie Jump is a complex character. Struggling to assert her identity as a key part of the community, and overcome the assumptions that she is only good for a jump- Josie eschews easy lays, for solid friendships with Miss Hooley, Edie McCredie, and Penny Sweet. This is a girl who is a feminist at heart, and who refuses by virtue of her gender, to be little more than a sexual plaything defined by her relationship. She continues to do this, even though she has been replaced by an entirely different person- and her replacement was not noticed by her closest friends and aquaintances.(Again clear evidence of racism- the fact that the first black woman in Balamory left, and when Josie mark 2 moved in, she was required to just assume the identity of a woman, with whom the only thing she had in common was ethnicity). She appears to have a secret desire for Archie, but this can only ever be a friendship- as we have mentioned- he will never be willing or able to satisfy even the most basic of her desires.And so we have Spencer left. Spencer. A man who is clearly an artist, reduced to painting houses and postcards, to supplement his income- and who will always, in the minds of the locals be inferior to PC Plum, and Archie- with their white skin, and positions of power, and wealth. Spencer offers the only genuine opportunity for our key character Miss Hooley, to undo that neat trim hairstyle, and button down clothes. His passion for her remains unabated, and she is nearly breathless when he pops into the nursery. Penny Sweet may want him- as does PC Plum- but his heart, and his less mentionables, beat only for Miss Hooley- and I have no doubt that in the evenings, when she is making her cocoa- it is Spencer she imagines ravishing her, in her neat little green kitchen. Miss Hooley wants him, but his lack of social position mean that while he may provide a sexual awakening for her, he may never be the man with whom she abandons her neat methodist lifestyle. After all, Orange and Green do not mix.And so we have this beautiful scottish village- seemingly calm on the outside- alive with sexual tension and repression, with unrequited love, and sexual desire- with hopes of marriage for good reasons and bad- all resulting in dissapointment and regret.
Fun size chocolate bars are not fun. They are small. And unlike midgets, who by virtue of their littleness become amusing(and dont start waffling about political correctness- midgets are funny)- fun size chocolate bars are not amusing. They are just unsatisfying, and you need three, instead of one- to give you that chocolate fix.A real fun size chocolate bar, would be the size of a coffee table.
One of the difficulties of being a finite being, in an infinite universe, is the limits of our own perception. How nice it would be to see the future, to know the consequences of the decisions we make. To fully know how the rest of our lives, and those around us, will ripple and change because of the thousands of decisions we make every day . To look at our choices, and have more than a rough idea based of how the infinite possibilities will play out.I dont know about anyone else, but I went into being a parent, with a very clear idea of how I would be as a mother. I had planned very carefully, to ensure that my child was only conceived when I was in a position where I could afford to support her, she would be in a family with two parents fully committed to her care. I would value education, I wouldn’t ever shout, I would be infinitely patient, and I would make all my decisions according to her best interests.The problem with these expectations, is that life is too complex for me to plan the future with more than a guesstimate. The secure family I thought we were providing was gone within the first two years of her life. THe infinite patience I had predicted was tested by a year with never more than 2 hours sleep, and I was shocked to find out that the cry which I had longed to hear from my own child, would grate beyond all expectation.Like anyone with a life that is rapidly changing, I have been reassessing the situation to plan for our future. What has been surprising to me recently, is that now that I dont have the family that we originally planned for our daughter- now that circumstances have changed- there is another factor to consider.I am now a single parent. A woman on her own with a child. And apparently, that means that no longer should my decisions be made just with consideration of what my daughter needs, and what I need. I had spent my life thinking that as I would be a member of society for my whole life, my contribution to that society over that lifetime would be assessed on its merit. But apparently, now that I have a child, and I dont have the benefit of another parent in my house, my consideration should not be my daughter, or myself- my contribution is assessed entirely in terms of its effect on the taxpayer. My life is now only evaluated according to whether I am deserving or undeserving of a short interlude where I might not be able to contribute to society financially.During the two years I worked flat out, in a demanding job, while caring for my daughter-I was subjected to comments about how I was putting my daughter second to my career for working long hours. I was not considering that she needed her mother, as she went to nursery for 4 days a week. Taxi drivers returning me home, at 11pm, after crisis at work, felt free to comment on their suprise that a mother of such a young child would be returning home so late. Smug mothers at playgroups commented on how few groups they had seen me at, and when I explained I worked four days- impassive looks settled on faces, only seconds previously animated in conversation- as they registered their dissaproval. Patronising comments, about how you really had to take the time to know the words to ‘dingle dangle scarecrows’-but you must be so busy with work- cut to the bone.At work, the same dissaproval offered, as I justified my ability to balance work and motherhood, and was casually expected to show that I was willing to put work first. Work a full time job in part time hours, to justify the whole 4 months of unpaid maternity leave I took.Now I have finally given up work, trying to reeastablish my priorities for me and my daughter- trying to plan for her future, I find I am subjected to even more judgement. I had failed to realise that the judgements of me going out to work, were judgements because I was married. Now that I am single, my choice to stay at home and try to enjoy more of what is left of her early childhood, before I lose her to school next year- is a choice which defines me as scrounger. Friends of mine have informed me that actually, if I am going to live a life subsidised by the state, then I should accept that I am subject to the judgement of people who pay taxes.I had naiively considered that as I have worked since the age of 13, and as I am likely to work for the majority of my life (its actually likely that I will return to work within weeks anyway)- that the negligible amount of time, I will be at home with my daughter-probably a matter of months- would be factored into my contribution to society. Naiively understood that logic dictated that as people were so outraged by me working when I was married, then the time spent being a mother was seen as a contribution in itself. Apparently, as soon as your relationship and employment status changes- all other contributions you have made, or might make, become irrelevant- and you are fair game for judgements of people who think they are being reasonable.The fact that I received more in terms of financial state help WHILE I was working, is of little consequence. I am to show the decent hardworking taxpayer that I am grateful to them, and don a hair shirt, by placing my daughter in childcare, and slogging my guts out, so that I am too exhausted to be a mother to her, for little financial gain(incidentally costing the taxpayer MORE by doing so). Otherwise I am an affront. Apparently, now that I dont have a man to support me, the fact that any decision I make is not made with the decent hardworking taxpayer as the person most affected, is an insult and evidence of a culture of entitlement.As I would cost the taxpayer more working, one has to ask what the motivation for this dissaproval is?This affront certainly appears to be most keenly felt- when misfortune strikes someone. If s0meone hates their job, and is going to it for 40 hours a week- the very fact that I am enjoying being at home with my daughter is an insult. If someones husband has been unemployed for 6 months and his contributions based benefit entitlement ends, that is somehow relevant to my decision to take some time to be a mother first and foremost. Apparently every time a decent hardworking taxpayer, isnt allowed to supplement their 25k a year income with benefits, its an affront that I have made a decision about my life, without the decent hardworking taxpayer being at the forefront of my mind.It never occurs to people in these conversations, that the rules which make it so difficult for them to get extra financial help- in a household where they are already well above the breadline- are designed to appease people spouting the same arguments as they are levelling at me. Or that staying at home, rather than being a financial life of riley- actually involves financial magic tricks which defy basic mathematics, to ensure there is actual food on the table, and a roof over my head- and that the posessions I own, are getting scarcer and scarcer as they are sold to ensure that I can continue to stay at home and parent my daughter while I decide what to do for the best.The motherhood that was so valued when I was with a partner, which I was apparently neglecting for my own selfish interests- has no value when I dont have that man standing behind me. And if I should complain about this judgement- I am asked is this stigma better or worse than the workhouse? (Apparently, when challenged- I was informed this question was actually the persons expression of gratitude for a welfare state).Oh, I wish I had had the foresight to know that the absence of a male partner supporting me, would mean that to people I was friends with, I was now fair game for their judgement- that my choice to be single would be evidence of my scrounging nature- and my desire to see a little more of my daughters childhood, before it has gone forever-would be clear evidence of complete lack of responsibility.I now know that a change in your employment status and relationship status, mean that any time people I thought were friends, experience a bit of a knock- they will be looking in my direction for validation of how unfair
fe is treating them-with the fact I am not only managing to exist, but am enjoying being alive, and being a mother, being clear evidence of how they are being shafted.God help you if you are not wearing that hair shirt, and showing gratitude to them for their taxes, or ashamed of the fact that for the first time you are actually enjoying being a mother- because every time life gives them a knock- their sense of entitlement means that they will look at you with scorn.Well I say- fuck em. I wont make decisions about my life, and my daughters childhood- based on the needs of the taxpayer. Especially considering the taxpayer pays me a damn sight more to be out at work, and have someone else caring for my child- than they do to have me at home. And friends like that, no matter how well they play the victim to themselves- are not friends at all.
The good news first. I found an exact copy of my lucky festival hat(lost this summer-after 4 years of loyal service-we miss you little black felt hat) on the fleamarket, at 8am. This was initially no consolation, but since walking round all day, looking fabulous in my hat, and a Mina Dress-I am consoled.Consolation from what my dear, I hear you ask. Well, fiscally irresponsible as I am- I am not fiscally irresponsible enough to return to university with a 3k tuition bill to find, on top of living costs. I may have considered winging it, if it were just me, blah blah I think the time is coming, for me to return to work.I found a very helpful article in the Daily Fail, to assist me through this time-I was initially insulted- but compared to the cardinal sins of being a single parent, on benefits, having sex occasionally, being a student, and being a social worker… think that lets me off pretty lightly for going back to work. Shitrag.Tis a good job this hat looks so damn fabulous. Never mind- 5 years till am Dr.Me instead of 4!
Test 1 – PreparationWomen: To prepare for pregnancy:-1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.2. Leave it there.3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.To prepare for children:-1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet ontothe counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directlytotheir head office.3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.Test 2 – KnowledgeFind a couple who are already parents and berate them abouttheirmethods ofdiscipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerancelevels and how they have allowed their children to run wild.Suggestways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits,toilettraining, table manners and overall behaviour.Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will haveall the answers.Test 3 – NightsTo discover how the nights will feel:1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wetbagweighing approximately 4 – 6kg, with a radio turned to static (orsomeother obnoxious sound) playing loudly.2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go tosleep.3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.4. Set the alarm for 3am.5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.6. Go to bed at 2.45am.7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.10. Make breakfast.Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.Test 4 – Dressing Small Children1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no armshangout.Time Allowed: 5 minutes.Test 5 – Cars1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glovecompartment. Leave it there.3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.Test 6 – Going For a WalkWait.Go out the front door.Come back in again.Go out.Come back in again.Go out again.Walk down the front path.Walk back up it.Walk down it again.Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about everypiece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.Retrace your steps.Scream that you have had as much as you can stand untiltheneighbours come out and stare at you.Give up and go back into the house.You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.Test 7 – CommunicationRepeat everything you say at least 5 times.Test 8 – Grocery Shopping1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you canfind to a pre-school child – a fully grown goat is excellent. If youintend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out ofyoursight.3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplatehavingchildren.Test 9 – Feeding a 1 year-old1. Hollow out a melon2. Make a small hole in the side3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side4. Now get a=20bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon themintothe swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it fallson the floor.Test 10 – TV1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles,Barney,Teletubbies and Disney.2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.Test 11 – MessCan you stand the mess children make? To find out:1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them onclean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto thefloor& leave it there.Test 12 – Long Trips with Toddlers1. Make a recording of someone shouting ‘Mummy’ repeatedly.Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy.Includeoccasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.Test 13 – Conversations1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirtsleevewhile playing the Mummy tape listed above.You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is0achild in the room.Test 14 – Getting ready for work1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.2. Put on your finest work attire.3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it4. Stir5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel8. Do not change (you have no time).9. Go directly to workTest 15 – Sex life1. You and your partner try to sleep a night at the nearest trainstation.2. Try to have sex in the morning without anybody noticing.You are nowready to have children. ENJOY